Meet Lucas. He's a young man about to enter college He's at a difficult life growing up with his only parent his mother and his younger sister. Due to his difficulties in facing his adversities. He's lived a fairly unhealthy life and constantly indulges in partying drinking and smoking. One day his mother got quite sick and was rushed to the emergency, the most important person in his life has rocked through all the difficult times was on the verge of death.





She put up a good fight, but unfortunately passed and lucas became the man of the house.
Not only did he have to take care of himself, but a sister as well. It was summer break and so Lucas immediately took on a full-time job as janitor. He had to provide for himself and his younger sister. His only goal was to go to work each day and clean. Day in and day out he went.


He took on every opportunity at extra shifts. His discipline and working was unwavering He used the money to buy himself and his sister some food for dinner every night, He didn't want to tell his friends. He was working as a janitor so when they asked if you wanted to go out in the evenings and party he decided that he would tell them that he had to tutor his little sister and cook her dinner. Lucas fell into the flow of going to work every day and eventually got used to it. It wasn't the chore for him anymore. He decided to stop buying junk food for himself and his sister and decided he would cook them a healthy dinner after work each day and then prepare breakfast for the next day.


He kept this routine up. Working and then cooking, working and then cooking. Finally school time rolled around and Lucas had to attend classes. He was juggling a lot at once so now he rolled his hours back to part-time and had to make sure he attended class every
single day, so he didn't fall behind. Regardless of how he felt he always went. He went to class, came home and worked and then cooked dinner and breakfast. Lucas kept this up for the whole time in college. He was able to put himself through college and graduate with honors.





He landed a good-paying job upon graduation and maintained his good habits. Eventually he was able to put his younger sister to college as well. He got married and eventually so did his sister. They remain best friends throughout life and they reminisced on how happy their mother would have been of Lucas. How he turned his life around and went from lazy and out of control to in control of his destiny and the true king of his fate.

He became disciplined, but how did he do it?

The first big thing for Lucas was a strong reason why?

When his mother passed he had a north star to become the man of the house and take care of his younger sister?

It was literally do or die.

Studies showed that a strong motivating reason why allows people to tap into willpower reserves that they might otherwise not have been able to. This reminds me of those movies where you see the boxer down to his last bits of energy in the final round, but then he has a flashback a powerful memory of why he's doing this. Perhaps winning against all odds in memory of someone close to him who passed away. Studies also show that a strong motivating reason why may only act as a buffer or a temporary solution to increase willpower and that willpower still does have a finite limit.


In our example Lucas had a strong motivating reason for why he was trying to become more responsible, but that doesn't mean that reason can motivate him to do an infinite amount of things for an infinite amount of time so he tried to work at a part-time job, take care of his sister, try to get a perfect 4.0 GPA and learn to play the guitar all at once. It would be difficult if not impossible regardless of how strong his motivating reason why was. But in our case Lucas started by focusing on one task only, which was work.


You want to work every day once that became a habit he directed his willpower and self-discipline onto another singular activity which was cooking followed by school And that's the key to be wise with how we spend our self-discipline and to use it on singular activities and turn them into habits before moving on to another activity.






The first habit could have been a simple as drinking water every day or making his bed every morning. When an activity becomes a habit it drains a lot less willpower. Lucas also faced a dilemma that many people trying to be disciplined encounter. Peer pressure. His friends represented a temptation into his old life. An easier life requiring a lot less responsibility. There were two reasons Lucas was able to overcome this dilemma. He had a strong reason why and he planned for temptation in fact he's the very specific technique known as the if-then technique.


He had planned that if his friends asked him to go out and party then he would tell them that he had to tutor his sister and cook dinner. This is a pre-planned decision of self control and avoided him having to exercise willpower to resist the temptation. This is a great strategy to use when we anticipate that there will be times when temptations will arise and our willpower might be low. It's an automatic and pre-planned response to temptation. Studies show that practicing self-discipline increases self-discipline in subsequent acts.


It's like a muscle.

By finding his strong reason why, developing his discipline through singular activities and pre-planning for temptations, Lucas was able to become more disciplined and overcome his adversities.

I have no self-esteem. I’m not saying I dislike myself, or that I have a problem with my self-image. And I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m just saying that I have no self-esteem at all.

Why?

For the same reason that I have no pet unicorns. Self-esteem is a fantasy. It’s a meaningless fabrication that exists  only in your imagination. The dictionary defines "esteem" this way:
“To regard with admiration.”
Self-esteem, therefore, means to regard yourself with admiration.
But is that how we should see ourselves? If someone asked you who you admire, would you really want to answer, “Well, I admire myself"? Would that be a good thing? I would say no... emphatically.

I was hardly a precocious kid, but I think I realized this “self-esteem” thing was a racket as far back as junior high. I remember when the guidance counselor at my school handed out a worksheet and asked us to “rate” our self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10. Meanwhile, kids in China were learning silly
things like “math” and “science.” Now we’re bankrupt and they own the country.

But at least we all feel pretty good about ourselves. In any case, there we were, facing the important task of arbitrarily quantifying our egos. When I asked my teacher why I should have high self-esteem, she said, “Because you’re special.” When I asked why I was special, she said, “Because you’re you!” I found this an odd statement at the time, coming as it was from the woman who’d just
given me a D on my last math quiz. Most of my classmates, though, quickly jotted down nines and tens.

Incidentally, some of them would grow up to be unemployed alcoholics, but I’m guessing if they could take that test again, they’d score themselves exactly the same. See, that's the whole point of self-esteem: to be proud of yourself even when there's no reason to be proud of yourself. Of course, apologists will claim that self-esteem is simply about confidence, and that you need confidence to succeed in life.

Okay.

But if self-esteem is simply about confidence, then why don’t we just call it “confidence”? Because confidence must be earned. A student is confident about doing well on a test if he studies for it.

An athlete is confident on the field if he practices.
A singer is confident in her abilities if she, in fact, has abilities.


Self-esteem, on the other hand, can be defined as “unearned confidence.” the person with “high self-esteem” (also known as a “narcissist”) feels good about himself on the basis of nothing. We may ask him: "Why do you esteem yourself?" and his learned response will be: "Because I'm me." like a modern day Narcissus, he can’t see the world outside the window because he’s too busy whispering sweet nothings to his reflection in the glass. In a saner, less confused time, people saw it the opposite way. It didn’t matter how you felt about yourself; it mattered what you did. Funny – that’s what my parents taught  me.

I remember one time explaining very carefully to my dad that he couldn’t expect me to do my math assignment because math made me feel bad about myself. In return, he suggested that maybe I should study more and then math wouldn’t make me feel so bad. “But in the meantime,” he said, “it doesn’t matter how you feel. Do your homework.”

It doesn't matter how I feel? what a scandalous notion.

I probably should have called social services. If this self-esteem thing was just another  benign form of entertainment, we could just laugh it off. But it’s become a serious problem because  this “I’m special,” “love yourself,” “you get points for breathing” dogma taints  everything it touches.

It equips you for nothing. It won’t help you at school; it will stifle your career ambitions; and it will certainly wreak havoc on your relationships. Sure, insecurity and self-doubt can also be defeating, but at least there’s a chance that they might drive you to be better. Self-esteem actually prevents improvement, because you can only improve if you first Acknowledge what you’re not good at.

But that process might take a toll on your self-esteem, so many people avoid it. I’m not saying that you should hate yourself, and I’m not saying that you should have low self-esteem.
I’m saying have no self-esteem -- as
in, stop thinking about it.
Period.
Do good things with your life and you’ll have all the esteem you’ll ever need.

Blaming others for your problems is a complete waste of time. When you do that, you don’t learn anything. You can’t grow, and you can’t mature. Thus, you can’t make your life better. 
There are two fundamental attitudes toward life and its sorrows. Those with the first attitude blame the world. Those with the second ask what they could do differently. 

Imagine a couple on the brink of divorce. They’re hurt and angry. The unhappy, bitter husband recalls the terrible things his wife has done, and the reasons he can no longer live with her. The harried and disillusioned wife, in turn, can describe all the ways her husband let her down. Each has a long list of necessary changes—for the other person. Their prospects for reconciliation are grim. 

You’re the problem. 

But it’s difficult. It takes courage to change, and it takes discipline. It’s much easier and much more gratifying to your basest desires to blame someone else for your misery. Consider the youthful activist, making a “statement” against the “corrupt” capitalist system by smashing in the storefront of a local business. What has he done, other than to bring harm to people who have nothing to do with his real problems? The guilt, doubt and shame he will inevitably feel in consequence will have to be suppressed so his beliefs can remain unchanged. And that suppression will do nothing but foster his anger and alienation. 

In the play “The Cocktail Party” by American-English poet T.S. Eliot, one of the characters is having a very hard time of it. She speaks of her profound unhappiness to her psychiatrist. She tells him that she hopes her suffering is all her own fault. Taken aback, the psychiatrist asks why. Because, she tells him, if it’s her fault, she can do something about it. If it’s in the nature of the world, however, she’s doomed. She can’t change everything else.  But she could change herself. 

Now, there are people who seem to be consigned to a terrible fate. But most of us aren’t. Most of us have a chance to make our lives better. 

Start small.

Ask yourself a few questions: 

• Have you taken full advantage of the opportunities offered to you
• Are you working to your fullest capacity at school or at work
• Have you, in other words, set your own house in order?

If the answer is no, try this: 


Don’t waste time asking how you know that what you’re doing is wrong. Inopportune questioning can confuse without enlightening, and deflect you from action. You can know something is right or wrong without knowing why. Start paying attention: Do you procrastinate, show up late, spend money you don’t have, and drink more than you should? It’s not a matter of accepting some externally
imposed morality.  It’s a dialogue with your own conscience.

What are you doing that’s wrong, from your own perspective?
What could you put right, right now?

• Get to work on time.
• Stop interrupting people.
• Make peace with your siblings and your parents.
• Diligently utilize everything you already have at hand.

If you do those things, your life will improve. You’ll become more peaceful, productive
and desirable. After some days, or weeks, or months of attentive effort, your mind will clear. Your life will become less tragic, and you will become more confident.You’ll start seeing right from wrong more clearly. The path in front of you will shine more brightly. You’ll stop getting in your own way. Instead of bringing trouble to yourself, your family, and your society, you’ll be a positive and reliable force.


Your life will still be difficult. You’ll still suffer. That’s the price of being alive. But maybe you’ll become strong enough to accept that burden, and in that fashion even come to act nobly, and with purpose.